I shouldn’t be here.

Each day since the accident, I haven’t been able to shake the feeling, “I shouldn’t be here.” I feel blessed when I look at the pictures, when I go back to that night, when I think about what could have been. I also feel that given the circumstances I shouldn’t be writing this today. The only reason I am here is by the grace of God. I truly and honestly believe I had a lot of people watching over me in those moments during the accident.

Today is the first day that I have been feeling truly and honestly sad. I’m not exactly sure where the sadness comes from. Maybe it’s because I am going to have to return to work soon. Maybe it’s because I feel lonely after being home all week without my husband. Maybe it’s because I feel guilty for being here. When bad things happen to people they often think, “Why me?”” Here I am with a good thing that happened and I’m thinking, “Why me?” Not in the sense of why didn’t I just die, but in the sense of, “What is so special about me that You protected me and helped me stay on this earth for a little longer?”

I feel overwhelmed by this gift. I am ever grateful and I ever thankful, but now I am left wondering, “What do I do? What should be the next step for me? How can I even begin to repay Him for this?”  I feel like I have to make every minute count and yet I’m sitting here wasting time on mundane things. Things that were not mundane before the accident. Things that are important, but for some reason are not important to me right now. I am frozen. I am stiff. I am bursting with emotion. I don’t know how to do this. I just know that if I am with the right people I will be okay. I am going to try to surround myself with the right people and maybe that will help focus me, maybe they will help me feel as though I am not living on borrowed time.


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