Disappointment.

After the accident, I felt an uplifting and profound sense of gratitude. Everywhere I looked, it was as if the world was glowing. Life was everywhere. The trees turned green, the grass was finally growing, and the birds returned home just as I had done. This feeling of being amazed by any and every little thing was incredible and lasted weeks. Sometimes I felt like I was living in a storybook or a movie and just walking around observing the beauty around me without anyone being able to see me. It was an amazing feeling to get to see life in that way. I doubt many people do.

In many ways, I still get that overwhelmingly blessed feeling, but I’m sad to say that it comes now only in small weepy dosages when I hear a song that reminds me of the meaning of life or video that discusses the human experience.  There’s more sadness in it now than anything else. I’m not sure if the sadness comes from my need to still cope with what happened or disappointment that so many people walk through life seeing only shadows of their true experiences here on earth and maybe I am becoming one of them again.

Reflecting on it I am surprised and to be honest completely disappointed by the fact that the mundaneness of my life seems to have dulled my senses again. I don’t wish it to take away the sheer joy, but somehow, the restless nights, busy schedule, rude colleagues,  multiple deadlines, summer-ready students,  and stress has done something to me.

It’s strange how one terrible thing that lasted seconds could have caused me so much joy and yet these moments day by day that are only minuscule in nature have chipped away at my happiness and love of life.

I refuse to let this continue. I refuse to succumb . I had assumed after the accident that I would be completely whole and feel at ease in how I saw the world. I realize now, this was just the start. This is the way to see the world despite all the troubles we face each day, the crosses we bear, and the lives we lead. This is the way to live. I was shown how amazing it can feel and not many people are. I have to work at it and keep striving to live life in gratitude, appreciation, joy, faith, and peace. And I will. Not because, I have to, but because I know that any other way would just be a disappointment.

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