Nothing?

My husband and I are both Dr. Who fans. For those of you that don’t know, this show, which is intended for kids, has some wonderful messages about life and making the most of it. One of my favorite quotes from the show is, “We’re all stories in the end, just make it a good one.”

Every once in a while though, the show spins some darkness…particularly about death. It seems that every episode people die for a good cause dropping like flies, or the way I see it, as quickly as red shirts in Star Trek. One message that I find extremely difficult is the thought that there is nothing after we die. How dark, how incredibly consuming it is to consider this possibility. As someone who has always believed in heaven and in the afterlife, I find it shattering to imagine. During the accident, I remember experiencing only one thing: Fear. I had thought that a near death experience like this would give me some sort of flashback of my life or angel, ancestor, or loved one to guide me “home.” When none of this happened, I have to admit I was disappointed.

I was reminded of this disappointment when my husband and I were watching the movie,”Interstellar.” There was one scene that brought me to tears as I remembered having that feeling.

Since the accident, I have considered myself to be pretty optimistic, grateful, and cheerful to be alive. I have been given this gift, this borrowed time. I have received peace, calm, healing, joy, and rest yet, here I am still trying to find meaning behind that one moment. The moment that I was afraid of what I did not know. The seconds where my faith wavered and I was not in control of anything. I knew afterwards that I was in the palm of His hand. Everything pointed to that. Why then, do I have trouble remembering and trusting in that less than 3 months after the accident? Are we, am I, so weak to have my faith shattered by that moment? To have experienced a miracle and to want more, to want proof that something is there for all of us? I know millions before me have struggled with these same questions and feelings. Some people just give up, give in, and rest their minds on one or the other. Either it is exists or it doesn’t. I am somewhere between. The world is more gray than that. I want to believe in it all. There are moments when I am completely and fully clear about it. I want to trust. I am holding on and maybe that’s all I need. To just hold on. “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

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