Each year there are a few nights that we just can’t sleep. Everyone in the world knows this feeling. Some more than others.
When we’re young, it usually happens on Christmas Eve or the night before our birthday. The excitement is too much to contain and we can’t stop smiling or peaking to see if we can get a glimpse of the guy in the big red suit. Eventually we succumb to the exhaustion and the excitement continues the next morning. When we’re adults, it’s usually the night before an interview, while waiting to hear back on an offer on a house, or on the first day of a new job. We feel nervous, scared, afraid, and we are wishing for something, but with much higher stakes. The feeling is palpable.
For some of you it may not surprise you that since the accident, I get this feeling everyday. I go to sleep with it. I wake up with it. I sit with it. I work with it. Sure, sometimes it goes away, but mostly it’s there. I’m not really sure exactly what it is, but whenever I do get this “buzz,” I can feel it coursing through my veins. It’s almost like someone is squeezing them, squeezing me. My arms and legs grow stiff, I get butterflies in my stomach, my chest gets tight. Everything feels as though it has a 5 pound weight attached to it. I just want it to go away, but it doesn’t. Sometimes I like having it there. It’s like a little voice in my head saying, “Get up! Get up! Let’s go downstairs! There’s so much to do! Enjoy your day! Get up, get up, get up!” This is a great motivator, but it never stops.
And because it never stops, I rarely feel accomplished or satisfied. When I think back on this summer, I remember the feeling being much more pleasant than it is now. I can’t tell if it’s the days growing shorter, the stress of work and home, or the accident that is causing it to be more prevalent and obnoxious. Perhaps, it’s everything.
I feel right now that I need a little vacation. The weekends just aren’t long enough to get away from the stress, worry, and agita.
Life is going by so quickly. Am I making enough of it? Am I working hard enough? Am I living enough? Am I contributing to the world as I should? Am I inspiring people enough? Am I kind enough? Am I giving enough? Am I faithful enough? The blood pulses and the veins tighten each question in my mind.
I pray this evening I can move away from it for just a little while and hope that if you experience this awful feeling, that you can, too. I pray that our veins pulse words instead of questions. Words like: Peace. Calm. Hope. Success. Happiness. Comfort. Joy.
We all could use a little more of those.