The Buzz.

There’s a humming in my ears. A fluttering in my chest. A buzz in my body that won’t go away.

I know it’s a mix of three: adrenaline, anxiety, agita.

Today, our new house had its first “cold” when it threw up sewage all over the basement floor and then the power went out across town due to high winds. It was stressful, overwhelming, and scary since we’ve only been living here for three weeks. As new home owners, it is absolutely terrifying when you don’t know how to fix something and have to call in the plumbers to use an industrial size, motor operated snake.

Thankfully, everything worked out and the house is fine, but here I am, sitting on the couch under a blanket shivering and shuttering with this buzz that won’t go away.

Ever since the accident, I find that it’s harder to calm down after stressful situations. Sure, I can change into relaxing clothing, I can watch a favorite tv show and sit under my blanket, but my head and heart are all over the place. It’s a PTSD thing…I know that, but I’m sick of it. I’m tired of having no control over my body.

In my mind, I hear my voice say, “It’s not that big of a deal. None of this is as terrible as being in that car when it went off the road.” And yet, there’s another system functioning in the background. It’s instinctual and raw. It’s ready to run when any predator comes to find me. I don’t how to shut it off and I know sometimes it’s a back up system I need.

In fact, that back up system is what I tapped into when the truck started coming in my lane and I needed to think with clarity on what to do next. I needed to use that power to focus on how to maneuver the car so it wouldn’t flip or roll. Because of it, I was able to drive to safety and survive without injury yet I now hate it.

This white noise pumping through my body is here, but sooner or later it has to subside. Sooner or later, the crashing waves will turn into a dull churn and my life will turn back to peace.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Time is what I need to heal.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Peace is what I seek.

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