Yesterday I did something I didn’t plan on doing: I told my best friend about this blog.
The only person in my everyday life that knew about this before was my husband.
It’s strange how I was able to write these deep, dark, and revealing experiences to an audience of someones and yet when it comes to telling the people I care about the most, I get a frog in my throat.
My anxiety is rising, so it my guilt and embarrassment. I’m not really sure where that comes from, but I’m sure PTSD is the culprit.
I wasn’t trying to hide everything from people. I’m still not, but in some ways I was protecting myself. I was an 8 year-old putting my head under my favorite blanket and telling a story to my stuffed animals. I know that they will listen, I know they will stay. I know they won’t be scared. I also know that they don’t completely know me. That makes it easier somehow.
For those of you that are offended by me referring to you as stuffed animals, please know that I was the kind of kid that had hundreds and said goodnight to each one individually for fear that they would feel left out.
It’s not that they didn’t matter, it’s that they wouldn’t be scared by anything I said.
Talking about the accident is anxiety inducing. When I’m expecting to talk about it, it’s easier. It’s nice to share and it feels great to tell people the “Good News” of being a survivor of a crazy event.
Talking about it in detail with my family and close friends for whatever reason makes me scared, nervous, and guilty.
After the accident I was terrified of losing all of them. Each time they drove or traveled, I feared for their lives, I imagined them having something happen to them, I panicked that as I said goodbye, it would be the last time I’d see them. I still do this. It’s gotten better, but is still my every day.
This is not something I wanted them to feel. This is something I want to hide. I don’t want my fear to be theirs.
I think that’s why for so long I have kept this blog as a journal: Open to those that find it, closed to those who know me.
Now, I’m finally starting the next step to this healing process. I’m opening up. It’s a little scary, but I think it’s necessary and I’m so glad to have the support of those people I care about the most.