On Hold.

When I was sick, I wasn’t feeling much of anything except fear and pain. My life had stopped moving. Sitting there staring at the wall  for hours on end made me feel like I was brain dead.

My thoughts were repetitive and ticking like the clock on the wall …

                                Sleep.     Eat.    Survive. 

With each passing day, I got a little bit better though I didn’t always feel that way.

                                       One Step Forward, Two Steps Back. 

Even now as I have been recovering for almost 10 months, I find myself working slowly in my mind. I pause and wait for the word to come to me. I know it’s there, but I have to let my brain find it. I stop mid-sentence and pray I remember what I was saying. Everyone says, “oh, that happens to everyone.”  I know they are trying to be kind. I also know that they have no idea how often it happens to me. They would be surprised.

I’m waiting…

  • for my neurons to find new paths and re-build.

I’m waiting…

  • for my body to completely heal.

I’m waiting…

  • for my life to start moving forward again.

We had plans.  I had plans….halted without warning and when I was sick, it wasn’t an issue. I just wanted to live. I just wanted to survive.

But now, my heart is starting to feel the loss of it all.  I’m mourning the life that was to be this year.  And it’s not like those dreams won’t come to fruition, but here I am still waiting for my body to be healthy again so I can move on.

I know I’ll get there soon, but right now, it’s hard to wait when everyone else is speeding past me. Their bodies could grow life. Mine could not. Their bodies could care for a child. Mine could not. Their hearts and souls could create another. Mine could only long for one.

It’s funny… I can almost hear the crackling elevator-type music playing in the back of my head and I listen closer for someone to pick up the phone.

I’m Still On Hold.


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