Today was supposed to be amazing. I can’t deny that it started off that way. I woke up to the birds singing for the first time and the flowers finally opened in my garden.
I drove to work and things were stressful, but still manageable until the end of the day, but even that seems small now.
My doctor’s appointment today was going to give me hope, more goals, positive reinforcement, and mark my acheievement in this battle against meningitis, thyroid issues, iron levels, and the malaise that comes with all of that.
Instead, my doctor informed me that there may be even more going on here. I have to go and get checked by another specialist.
Immediately, I felt that wave come over me. The one I knew so well this summer and its name is Fear.
It’s not that I am not used to this shit by now, it’s that I am just as terrified about having a tumor/cancer/life changing diagnosis as I was before.
I just want to get on with my life and instead I am sitting here facing the fear of the unknown … yet again.
If you are feeling the same way, know that I am here for you and I can relate. I may not completely understand your situation, but I can at least offer my empathy and acknowledge your own fears.
Those feelings you have are valid. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’ll get through it and you can still be optomistic while also being scared/terrified/overwhelmed.
That’s the amazing thing about being human.
We have the capacity to feel more than one feeling at a time and as uncomfortable as that can be. It’s all there and it shows us how alive we really are.